CHIP CHAT

Dear Critters,

Before getting down to it, I wanted to address the issue of my absence over the past few months. Truth is, I was in the hospital. It was pretty serious, but with the help of good friends, family and the power of prayer, I pulled through. The power of prayer… the power of prayer. Let’s talk about that for a second. I was never one to believe in a higher power, let alone talk to some invisible entity. However, during my stint in the hospital, I was changed. I became a different man with different beliefs. I’ve seen our God and I’ve seen the Devil. I’ve tasted chips in the afterlife before I was brought back to this earth and they were good. They were really good. So if you’re expecting the same old Tevin, I’m sorry but you may be disappointed. That being said, let’s discuss some potato chips…

Holy shit!! These chips are fuckin’ hot! 

I ate the whole bag. They were delicious. I was joking about the whole god thing. I wasn’t even in the hospital, so fuck you. If you find these chips, buy them. They will make your dicks cry. See ya on the next one.

Suck my chips,

Tevin

Gary Chips is in a relationship.

I’ve recently met a wonderful lady. I cuss in front of her. I respond to her questions with “fuck you.” She laughs when I holler at her. Good thing she thinks that I’m joking.

I’ve been single for a while, so there are some things I have to get used to. For instance, I have to get used to speaking when there’s someone else in the room. Not everyone wants to hear about how smelly my urine is. A million questions zip through my mind when she’s around. Does she fucking like chips? Is she going to turn out to be a fucking idiot? Does she like getting fingered? If so, how many fingies do I shove in her? FUCK! so many variables.

Also, there are other things I have to get used to… I’ll have to change my habits. Instead of using my hand to masturbate, I’m going to have to use her vagina. I suppose that’s something she’ll have to get used to. Instead of making sandwiches for Stargate characters, I’m going to have to make sandwiches for someone who will actually eat them. Teal’c was getting sick of paninis anyway (look it up, you piece of shit.) It takes a special lady to handle me, I know I’m a fuckface. So when i find that certain lady, I better drug her or find a way to keep her interested.

The Mighty Avocado comes to mind when I think of my relationship to the mysterious human female. Some of them think that they’re only for Mexicans. Some of them see them at Dewitt Wegman’s and walk right by. Some of them have heard of how tasty they are, but are scared to try them. Maybe it’s the dark, green skin. And then, there are those who are brave enough to slice into the noble fruit, excavate the “alligator pear” seed and delve into the delicious, mushy green flesh. Its fucking delicious. It’s salty, bold, fatty and will stripe you like a parking lot if you give it a chance. Let that magical fruit get inside of you.

Females, stop being fucking idiots. All of you have been walking right by the avocado. Grab the Mighty Avocado thats itching to get into your basket and fucking slice into it. Don’t walk by it, you’re not getting any younger. It’s sure to fucking surprise you, fill you with an unforgettable flavor and completely enamor you.

What did this have to do with chips, you ask? Fuck You.

Chips,

Gary

Good Afternoon Chippers,

Some of you who know me know that I have a pretty bad diet. My eating habits mostly consist of Taco Bell, chicken wings, nachos, cheeseburgers and, of course, chips. Recently, I have decided to cut meat out of my diet for a while. That pretty much knocked out all the fun in food, but I’ll always have CHIPS!! In this case, my consumption of chips has gone up a little bit. Especially in the Doritos realm. 

I’ve been a fan of Doritos all my life. Even before they were “Cheesier” or “Cooler”. One of my favorite tricks is taking a Nacho Cheesier Dorito and dipping it right into a vat of motherfuckin’ sour cream (thanks, Cpt. Pickard). It can’t be healthy, but it’s good as fuck! 

Naturally, when I heard there was a new Tapatio flavored Dorito, I was delighted. I couldn’t wait to get my hands down the pants of this chip! However, I’ve been chunting (chip hunting, in case you forgot) for these special Doritios for over a week now and have come up empty chip-handed. So, I figured I would turn to y’all, our beautiful readers, to help locate these cock-knockers. And what else? There’s a prize!! Yeah! A prize to the first reader who locates these chips and either gets a bag to me or gets me to a bag.

E-mail all info to: gtchipchat@gmail.com or respond using our handy dandy Suggest-A-Chip link at the top of the page. Winner will receive a free bag of these chips, a commemorative 1 Year Anniversary Chip Chat poster a Chip Chat t-shirt and a naked picture of me eating chips. Happy chunting and may the force be with you. 

Chips,

Tevin

Hi fuckbags,

It’s been some time. I’m glad that you’re happy I’m back. You’re welcome.

As some of you may know, today is National Potato Chip Day. Do you know what that means? It means grab a bitch and get your smash on on a bed of chips. What kind of chips would I recommend, you ask? Not Utz’s Onion and Garlic chips and I’ll tell you why…

While these chips are delicious and make for a decent conversation starter, they’ll end a conversation as quickly as they can spark one. The reason being that you have a mouth full of chips flavored like onion and garlic. Say you have a few fistfuls, at this point your mouth will smell like shit. Chicks don’t dig that.

Now imagine fucking all over these. The smell would be near unbearable. For this National Chip Day tradition, I would suggest going with a plain unsalted/unflavored chip. This way you’re not ruining perfectly tasty chips and your woman won’t get salt all up in her wounds.

However, if you’re not in to all the chucking (chips and fucking), I would advise you to pick up a bag of these chips, smoke a little weed, pop on a Star War, and get down. They are delectably savory.

Love you! Happy Chips Day!

Chips,

tevin

Greetings, Shitasses - 

I was just sitting in my apartment, eatin’ some chips, watching my stories and I had a revelation: I am on the bad end of an abusive relationship. I live in upstate NY.

 
I finally understand why the black-eyed, big-hearted working mother stays with the foul-mouthed, cowardly woman beater: because there are the good times. Half of the year, I am t-shirted and happy in the warmth of spring and summer. And the other half? Well, I spend it getting my dick twisted during a sunless, five month barrage of snow and ice. If that isn’t bad enough, the wind pumps off and ejaculates the hellish snow and ice mixture right into my face. But, there are the good times.

 
For instance, I remember the Sun. How it burned my pale skin. How it warmed the days I’ve had the most fun. How it makes ladies’ tits sweat. One specific episode I remember that helps me keep the faith in my upstate NY relationship happened while I was on a date with a pretty girl. We had dinner, drinks and good conversation. During which, my vocabulary was surprisingly clean. On the walk home, I had an emergency. The kind that would ruin a date, and also a pair of pants. I told her we should run so that I didn’t shit all over our date and we ran. Oh, how we ran. Half-way home she stopped me, mid poop-sprint, grabbed me and kissed me right on the mouth for at least a minute. Her nose breath was warm and her wonderfully soft mouth tasted like booze, but made me forget everything. This was the kind of moment that stops your heart for a second and restores your faith in EVERYTHING. And also makes you forget you’re about to poop your pants.

 
It’s memories like that which keep me, and the rest of us I presume, in Upstate New York. Remember the good times, friends. Maybe you almost pooped your pants. Maybe you did poop your pants. Whatever your good time, remember it. If you have no pleasant memories of warm and sunny days, remember this: Gary loves you.

 
Say it. “Gary loves me.”

Yyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh.

 
Chips,
Gary

Since I’m being an indecisive prick lately, I need you fuckers to help me choose a chip to chat about. Look at the top of the page. There’s a Suggest-A-Chip button up there. Go ahead, fuckin’ click it and suggest something, you shitasses! Thanks!

Until then, I present you with… MEGAPUSSI!

I hear they’re fishy… mega fishy.

Chips,

Tevin