Madhouse Munchies: Creamy French Onion - Childhood Memories, Adult Frustration — A Back to School Special. (from tevin)
Fuck You Chippers,
I recently came across these chips, Madhouse Munchies’ Creamy French Onion. I thought they were something new. They’re not. In fact, it turns out Madhouse has been around since the early 21st Century. But really, who gives a fuck? Let’s discuss the chip.
This bag of chip immediately brought me back to my adolescence. Back in the day, I would accompany my mother to the grocery store where I would constantly try to grab women’s breasts. Some things never change, but that is neither here nor there. Annually, on the eve of every new elementary school year, we would pick up a box of Lipton’s Onion Soup Mix and a container of sour cream. When these two elements are combined in the correct proportions, the outcome is one of the greatest onion dips ever. Add a rented VHS tape (preferably something with laser swords or time travel) and you have the recipe for the greatest last night of summer vacation!
The memories of these nights came floating back to me from out of the ether as soon as I tasted this chip. I was in awe. The statement, “the dip is on the chip”, that each bag wears proudly like a shiny medal wasn’t an exaggeration. It seemed too good to be true… it was.
After stuffing my face hole with at least a dozen chips, I realized something wasn’t right. These weren’t chips. They appeared to be a chip in every aspect of the word, but the texture was more like that of a razor. These little fuckers did a number on my inner-cheeks and mouth roof. FFFFFUCK!! Instead of saying “light and crispy” on the bag it should forewarn: “careful kids: bag of glass”. I was so disappointed that I just spit blood into the bag, smashed it up and threw it down my garbage chute.
So children, if you’re going to follow my tradition of watching awesome movies and eating chips and onion dip, I suggest you stick to the old fashion way of mixing your own dip up and going with a nice wavy salted dipper chip. Unless, of course, you like the idea of having a constantly pissed off wolverine living in your mouth. FFFFFUCK!!
Chips,
Tevin
