CHIP CHAT

Hello,

I recently went on a trip to the capital of Fart City, Carousel Mall. And, since I was in the mood for a snack I brought along a bag of UTZ: Red Hot flavored chips. I was there to see if I could get some ideas for what I should get my dickhole friends and family for chipsmas, but as always, every time I step foot inside that fucking asshole of a building my mind goes blank. “I should have brought my shotgun instead of these fucking chips,” I thought. “Oh, yeah! The CHIPS!” was my second thought. 

I peeled open my road chips, careful not to pull too hard since I was ready to start screaming at the people in line at the Caramel Corn. As I walked and munched, people were looking at me like I was insane. “Who eats chips in the mall?” One mouthy cunt whispered as I crunched past her. If my mouth wasn’t full of chips, I would have given her the fucking business. I’m no stranger to the delicious, spicy, savory and tangy UTZ Red Hots, but I must have forgotten about the amount of paprika that are on these chips. I looked down at my chip-hand and it was completely red and shiny from chip seasoning and oil. I licked my lips and found that I had a nice coating around my chip-hole, too. No wonder people were looking at me. Since I don’t give a shit about shit, I continued my road chip.

I had forgotten why I was there for a second until I heard someone say it, “Christmas.” I was right near the GAP and I figured I’d go in and see if I could find a scarf for Tevin to protect his throat parts, since I’m always karate chopping him there. “What the fuck is this?” I screamed inside my head. I was looking around so fast at all the bullshit changes they made to the GAP that I almost passed out. As I was wiping my red, greasy fingers on a pair of skinny jeans and making my best Billy Idol face, I turned my head and locked eyes with one of the cashiers across the store. As his confused look turned to laughter, my Rebel Yell look turned to a look of amazement. I just realized, at that moment in eyelock with a half-gay teenager wearing a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and a gossamer scarf that UTZ Red Hots were my favorite chips. It was one of those rare, amazing moments in your life that your learn a little more about yourself. Like when you say to yourself, “Oh Yeah! I DID eat corn!” 

Nilsson’s “Without You” and The Hollies’ “The Air that I Breathe” starting playing in my head simultaneously. After 31 years of searching, crunching, munching and general assholism I have found my favorite chip! These fucking chips are amazing. If you respect yourself and you’re not a fucking fuckface, get some of these chips and fucking eat them. FAST. Also, nobody’s getting shit for chipsmas.

SEE YOU IN HELL, MOTHERFUCKERS - 

GARY