Calbee Shrimp Flavored Chips: Goodbye Mama shrimp, Papa shake my hand. Here come the shrimper for to take me to Japan.

Greetings, Friends - 

Do you like shrimp? I like shrimp.

Do you like chips? I like chips.

Do you like shrimp flavored chips? I fucking hate them.

I was in the Pittsford Wegman’s, on a mission to find the Utz Carolina Style Bar-B-Q and came up with nothing. Discouraged, my friends and I were on our way out when I came across these morsels of awful. They were shelved right next to the Pocky and some other japanese food-food. I laughed, picked up the bag and made my way to the checkout via the ice cream section.

As I boarded my friends’ Japanese vessel, I figured it would be a perfect place to sample these Japanese chips. Upon opening the bag I was greeted with a horrible Onondaga-lake-in-august smell (for those of you not from the syracuse area, that smells like wearing a helmet made of dead fish and shit turds.) How did you get it to smell so bad, Calbee? I figured things couldn’t get worse since I was already seconds away from fucking my own face up with a knife, and popped a shrimp flavored chip into the hole on the front of my head. I almost went into an epileptic cheizure.

Have you ever bought a frozen shrimp cocktail party tray and let it thaw? You know that fluid that collects at the bottom of the container? Imagine the taste of that shrimp water mixed with the crunchiness of scabs and you have shrimp flavored chips. These chips are not fun, these chips are not funny. I came up with the following commercial idea for red lobster, but I think it would be perfect for these chips:



-Close-up of a Japanese woman crying.

-Zoom out to see that she’s curled up naked in the corner of a tiled shower room, trying to cover herself with her arms.

-Zoom out further to see a group of giggling Japanese boys hurling raw shrimp at the naked woman, Nomo-style.

-A tuxedoed Japanese man walks into frame and screams into a megaphone: ENNNNDRESSSSS SHHHLIMMMMMP!

-A superimposed explosion happens and a bag of Calbee’s Shrimp Flavored Chips flies toward the screen.

-End.



You fucked me, Japan. I want an apology.



CHIPS,

Gary.