CHIP CHAT

Chip-Chip-Cheroo Everybody!

If you haven’t noticed, it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. I’ve been going through kind of a rough place. So, today I’m going to let you into my personal life. I’m going to allow you to see me for who I am — the man behind the man behind the chips.

As it goes, I was recently dumped and I think I owe somebody an explanation and an apology… or maybe I just feel the need to get this off my chest. Darling, this one’s for you:

Dear Baby,

I’m depressed. I’m sorry you had to leave me, but I understand why. After all of these years, I can’t believe something like this could come between us, but it has and I am truly sorry. I’m weak. I have a sickness. A disease, if you will. A disease that’s eating away at me… or more like I’m eating away at it… I don’t know. Those crumbs you found in our bed. They were the evidence. When I said, “It’s not what you think!”… I was lying. It was exactly what it looked like. Sweetheart, don’t blame yourself. If there’s anyone at fault here, it’s Utz.

It all started last week when you came home late from work. I knew I’d be home before you, so I stopped and grabbed myself a bag of company. Utz’s Carolina Style Bar-B-Q had me hooked from first sight. The baby blue bag was so attractive. It had powers over me… powers I can’t explain. I purchased the chips and brought them into our home.

I took them to our bedroom and undressed. I slipped under the covers and turned on the tv. With the Star Wars fanfare booming in the background, I opened the bag. The smell was heavenly. I dove in.

Flavors came over me that I’d only dreamed of before. It started off tangy and naughty, salty and vinegary, but it ended sweet and smokey. I knew what I was doing was wrong, yet I couldn’t stop myself. It was just as Alderaan was destroyed that I heard the front door open. I quickly folded the home-wrecker closed and tossed it into my bedside table drawer. When you came to bed that night I had just finished washing the taste of Carolina out of my mouth. We made love that night, but I have to confess; my mind was elsewhere.

The affair continued consecutively for the next four nights, but I grew clumsy and careless. It was on the fourth night that you caught me with my hand in the bag and the crumbs of love all over the sheets. The look on your face turned me white as a ghost.The shrill in your scream told me it was over. As you walked away, I could do nothing but finish what I had started. When the bag was empty and you were gone, that’s when the pain set in. At first, I thought I’d be alone forever. But my broken heart was soon mended when I went to the store the next evening and saw my new love sitting there on the shelf once again.

Sometimes I think, I think to myself: was it worth it? Well, let’s just say it’s hard to keep the chust (chip dust) off of the keys as I type this. However, I want you to know that you will always be in my thoughts. I hope that someday you can forgive me and maybe we can work out a life where all three of us could be together and happy. Who am I kidding? Only in a perfect world…

Sincerely Chips,

Tevin

Thus, I conclude my chipfession with a word to the wise: If you’re going to eat chips in bed, DON’T GET CAUGHT CHIP-HANDED!

Chips,

Tevin