CHIP CHAT

Greetings, Dickholes - 

I’ve been feeling a bit reminiscent lately, so I figured I’d go back to an old favorite for this installment of Chip Chat: Dirty Chips Jalapeno Heat. When I opened the bag, I knew this would be a very introspective snack time. I could barely pay attention to the Stargate SG-1 on the television. As I snacked, I thought about the life journey that has brought me through 30 years to my current spot in the center of my couch. Existential PANIC. I sure have been a fuckface all these years. As I enjoyed the unmatchable crunch that only the ancient practice of single batch kettle cooking can bring (I’ll deliver the details of kettle cooking and the mystical origin of chips another time,) I started drawing up the plans in my head for some sort of machine that can suck up my mistakes. Some sort of space-time vacuum.

If I could go back to the time I unconsciously pooped in all my friend’s pots and pans and destroy it with my cosmic steam mop, I would. And then I thought of the times I tricked girls into coming over to “watch a movie,” then I would play a Fritz Lang movie or something artsy with subtitles so they would get bored and make out with me, tug on my dicker or let me finger-blast them. I would probably erase that. That shit sticks with you. There was this other 10,000 times that I got drunk and showed everyone on the planet my wiener. I might erase that stuff, too. I think my dad caught me pumpin’ off a few times, as well.

And then I thought, “wait a minute! Wait a god damned minute!” All my fur-stirring, shit-potting and flap-jamming was pretty fucking rad. I am a rad fucking dude. I wouldn’t erase a fucking second of my life. I got back into the episode of stargate I was watching just in time to see MacGyver fuck some dickface alien up with an MP-5.

I’d also like to take a moment to answer a fan email from our youngest fan, 8-year-old Ryland Cody Perlmutter (seriously) from Beacon Falls, CT:

Dear Gary,

Do you like combos? My favorite is the pepperoni pizza flavor!

See Ya!

Ry

(I had to edit that email for grammar and spelling)

My Response:

Dear Stupid Idiot,

Combos are for dick smellers. Also, your parents love themselves more than they love you. Would like to know how I know that? Because they gave you the worst name on the planet. I would rather suck my dad off than be named Ryland Cody Perlmutter. Good luck with your shitty life and the private podiatry practice you’re going to open in 20 years.

Chips,

GARY