Archer Farms General Tso Flavored Thick-Cut Potato Chips: Almost as Chinese as Wu-Tang Clan (From Gary)

Greetings, Americans - 

Recently, I visited my local Target to retrieve my beloved Buffalo Wing chips. It was a Saturday, the chip section was nearly picked clean. I glanced around the Archer Farms section to find my chips, but they weren’t there! WHAT THE FUCK?! I moved some of the bags around to see if my treasure was hidden. Bupkes. I couldn’t help but imagine that some trash-barrel of a woman is sitting on a dirty towel at Green Lakes feeding MY chips to her crappy kids. SHIT!

After I calmed down, I perused the remains to see if there was anything interesting as I noticed one of those weird, upstate New York types and his girlfriend moving toward me. They were also surveying the ruins of the chip aisle. As they got closer to me I noticed a bag of chips that said “General Tso” in bold letters. The wrestling fan must have noticed them at the same time.

“Chippity China, the Chinese Chippies!” He exclaimed to his sweaty girlfriend.

I turned my face up from the shelf toward him and I glared at him as I tried to calculate how fast I could get to the hardware section and back with a hammer. My mouth didn’t move but my eyes were telling him that I wanted to pound his mouth out of his face. I grabbed the chips and got out of there as fast as I could.

Once I got home, I made a sandwich to go with my new friend. I got my chips out of the bag, rendered a sharp salute to the General and peeled open his bag. They were nice looking: thick, krinkle-cut and cooked to a beautiful golden brown. I poured a nice helping into a bowl and sat down. I gave my sandwich a few nibbles to clear the taste of diet cherry pepsi from my palette and put a small handful of chips into my mouth. The things I tasted right away were rice vinegar, pickled ginger and garlic. “Not bad,” I thought. The chips had a great crunch and the seasoning didn’t overpower the potato flavor too much, which is really nice. Following the initial flavor was almost a salty, sweet aftertaste. Not quite what I expected. I like my General Tso to be pretty spicy. Overall a solid, tasty chip.

The General Tso flavor on the chips reminded me of one of those second-rate chinese food places: Kinda weak, but certainly edible. Usually when I eat General Tso, there’s a rumble in my guttyworks immediately followed by the most urgent need for a bathroom. I’m talkin’ tubgirl urgent. With the chips, not so much. Just a few smelly burps. I would recommend picking up a bag just to try them.

CHIPS,

GARY